Toddlers go through a certain stage where they hit, kick, bite slap and scratch, basically because they are yet to understand how to handle big emotions. Pediatrician Dr. William Sears shared in a column for Parenting that this is pretty normal to toddlers because they can’t express themselves yet and so they use their hands to communicate.
However, it does not mean that your child should get away with resorting to physical means if they cannot express what they want. It is not acceptable behavior and he needs to understand that. Your child needs to manage his emotions and it’s one of the most effective ways to get your child to stop hitting out of frustration. “They need our help to deal with whatever feelings are driving their behavior,” says Dr. Laura Markham, a child psychologist, and parenting expert, in an article for Psychology Today.
One of the way helping out your child manage his emotion is acknowledging his feelings instead of shutting him up. Review the following situational script done by Dr. Markham. In the excerpt, 2-year old Sam wants to hit his mom because his mom said no to something:
Mom puts her hand out to hold Sam off and speaks firmly: “You are MAD! Still, NO hurting Mummy.”
Sam: (flailing at her) “NEED hurt you, Mummy!”
Mom: (reflecting his feelings as she fends him off) “You are so mad you want to hurt? You are really, really mad?”
Sam: (still flailing but looking at her now that she’s showing him she understands) “MAD!”
Mom: (looking him in the eye with understanding) “Yes, you are VERY MAD! Show me! Stomp your foot! Shout ‘MAD!’ But NO hurting.”
Sam stops flailing at Mom and shouts at her: “MAD!”
Sam’s looking at mom’s eyes now that he feels understood. With eye contact, Sam’s face crumples, and he begins to cry. Mom gathers him onto her lap. He cries and cries. Finally, he stops, sniffling.
The scene ends up with both of them calm and holding each other. The mo stresses out that hurting people is not a good thing to do. Sam learned “that his mom understands when he’s upset and will help him with his feelings,” Dr. Markham explains. Also, “that when he feels angry, there is something he can do with the anger to let other people know, without hurting them… And, maybe most important of all, that his mother’s love for him is unconditional — no matter what.”
Here are a few things to keep in your mind as you deal with your child’s tantrums.
1. Establish A Connection
You need to be fully present and mindful to be able to get your child to understand what he’s dealing with. Look into your child’s eyes and talk to him instead of brushing it off. Be ready to hold and cuddle your child as soon as he stops hitting.
2. Be Calm But Firm At The Same Time
“Kids need our clear, firm limits when behavior is off track,” says Dr. Markham. Your child needs to know that hitting is unacceptable. Shouting will not give way for the message to be addressed and it will only worsen things, Instead, calm yourself and speak firmly. Speak to your child seriously and you may want to stress out certain words but do not ever yell.
3. Let Your Child Know That It’s Okay To Feel Angry
“Those who are taught that certain emotions, such as sadness or anger, aren’t acceptable often struggle to understand and express themselves,” says psychiatrist Dr. David Sack in an article for Huffington Post. Emotions should not be repressed but must be managed accordingly.
Like the given situation above, the mother labeled her child’s feelings first as mad. Then she gave her options on what she can do with it like stomp his feet and shout mad instead of hitting and hurting his mother. The message was clear that resorting to physical means is not something he should do.
4. Avoid Spanking Your Child As A Response To Hitting
Even if you see spanking as a disciplinary approach, your child will never get the message. “You’re simply reinforcing the message that it’s okay to use your hands to resolve a situation. Using spanking as a consequence can especially confuse her because you are trying to teach her that hitting is wrong,” Dr. Sear says.
5. Show Your Love
Being a loving parent is the best response to a child who hits. Both Dr. Markham and Dr. Sears agree with this. “Modeling appropriate touch helps [your child] learn how to use her hands in a more gentle manner,” said the latter. “Spend as much time as you can holding and snuggling [her].”
